Disappointing national anthems, with no obvious sign of the Gareth Malone effect. Perturbed to see Germany sponsored by Mercedes and England by Vauxhall.
00.30. Commentator talks of England's "positive start." That'll be the two back passes to Joe Hart.
01.26. The German team disguised as Northern Ireland is not fooling anyone.
04.14. First reference to German sense of humour.
06.14. Commentator - "that's Joe Hart's first touch of the ball." Correction - that's his third!
08.00. First close-up of Rooney's hair. Cut straight to German manager, Joachim Low's luxuriant Beatle cut, circa Hamburg 1962.
15.58. Realise no England players in fancy boots. Missed opportunity to "brighten up" the game.
21.48. The ageless Gerrard looking older.
29.41. Wonder whether forth official should talk to German keeper about his tasteless outfit.
35.00. Spend couple of minutes reading advertising boards. Decide game is marginally more interesting.
39.00. Someone called Murtersacker has scored.
40.00. Receive one word expletive text from girlfriend.
41.50. Decide not to make cheap reference to amusing German names.
47.30. Not sure whether I can listen to Andy Townshend for another 45 mins. The other Townsend, (Andros) in line for post match drug test - way too much energy.
55.00. Oh good - the substitutions have started.
62.10. Gerrard strikes classic pose with hands behind head - indicative of early childhood punishment.
65.20. Feel safe to make tea and raid biscuit tin.
70.25. One lone voice clearly audible, shouting,"Come on England." Overwhelmed by sadness.
78.00. Serious observation - by my reckoning England made contact with just one of their many corners.
90.00. Man of the match - the referee. No contest.